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a few I've been missing - I could have been something

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September 12th, 2004


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11:14 pm - a few I've been missing
Just had this conversation with my husband:

Me: "Dead?"

He: "No, in porn."

I don't believe for a minute that it's the same girl. Why does male sexuality feel so violent sometimes? I suppose it always was. The idea that it would have been bred out of them through evolution is simply preposterous; antithetical to biology.

I had two dreams last night, or at least two stages of the same dream. In one I found Calvin sitting on a counter at a hospital, smiling blissfully up from a little brown carton. There was a black woman behind the counter, a nurse I would guess. I asked her:

"Is this one mine?" and she answered Yes. She asked me what I would name him, as if I had just given birth to him and was picking him up, having nearly forgotten. I told her Calvin, confidently, then stuttered over his middle name, wanting it to be Daniel but thinking it should be Douglas, after my husband's father.

In the second part of the dream I found a note from Melissa written in some obscure place, something about she wanting to patch up our friendship. I looked up after reading it and there she was, waving to me demurely, reverted to fifteen and free of her born again values.

That I could have woken to both of them, and not my husband? At least in the morning light I would have answered easily, Please.
Current Mood: artfully resigned

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