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recently - I could have been something

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December 9th, 2005


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09:33 am - recently


You know there are days, many days now, when you are so irrelevant and ridiculous in my memory that I just laugh it all off. This was not one of those days. Sometimes the whole thing just falls on my head, and I want to cry, because I am the only vaguely likeable heroine of a bad movie (certainly) but when you pulled me out onto the porch that last night I let our epiphany fall on its face. Surely we were panned in the reviews.

So I let myself be eclipsed by all of this, as I do, and reached about desperately for how our paths could ever cross again. I have this strange inclination that it will be the Capitoline, you in uniform, me in the midst of some crisis, expecting you there. Maybe it's a better movie than I've been want to give it credit for; perhaps this is the cut away time, me living out most of my life without you. It will only be implied in the scenes the audience actually sees.

At any rate it was quite cold, and I spent most of the day wandering aimlessly. Saw my programming instructor standing outside of West smoking cigarettes, and immediately wanted to run away with him. In fact I was rather oversexed all day. After work the husband and I went up to the cheesy steakhouse with the good looking bartender, and I spent most of dinner staring back at the dishroom, saw him only twice. Also forgot my purse and ended up running home in the middle of the night. That was strangely fun, flying through a parking lot in the dark, wearing bad shoes and sort of laughing to myself.

It was a good day, Cocourt, but I went with him to his hair cut and the stylist they randomly assigned to him was named Shane. That stabbed me in the heart, as you might expect, and were I a member of the audience I would find this cheesy and unbelievable, but as a character it seemed rather profound.


In the meantime I feel as though the women of my generation have collectively said:

“ You know I’m getting really tired of not being a gorgeous gay teenager secretly in love with his best friend. Surely that is the only way to live.”
Current Mood: sing-song

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